Frank Waugh - June 30th, 2004

Can’t tell you how I feel
Emotions I can’t control
Can’t speak of my desires
The bonding of our souls
Can’t tell you that I love you
Because what we have would end
But know that deep within my heart
We will always be more than friends

I learned something about caring
And friendship as it seems
When girls are young
They live on whims,
Fantasies and dreams
Caring, respect, and honesty
Fosters into love
As time passes by
When you’re younger
You don’t realize its importance,
And now I wonder why
Dreaming for the future
Is how it all begins,
But loving for the future
Starts by being friends

I came to the sea, to see the sun set, and the sea is what I saw
I wish you could be, standing with me, when the sea is what I saw
The sun has gently slipped away, and so have you
As I gaze at the sea,
I remember memories of us together
Do you still remember me and you, sitting by the sea?
I still love you, as much as I did then
when we were sitting by the sea
Do you remember the feelings you felt
when we were sitting by the sea
I miss you now, and evermore,
When the sea is what I saw, sitting by the sea

Pain hurts the soul aching from deep inside
Pain lurks within, haunting a good man’s mind
Frustration hurting the soul, blamed for an unfair sin
Pain deep inside, a heart aching for a friend

Everyone wants to hear that all the pain will pass
But reality remains, life long pain will last
Pain is not easy to brace
It is much simpler to run away

Pain lives within my eyes, lasting till my dying day
Friends have pains of anger, pain stronger than my own
I might be able to find peace before to long
But some others can never find a home

Other’s pains hurt me making me who I am
Pains of my own, tell me who I’ve been
And who I can become

Yesterday and today pain shall still remain
But the burden of tomorrow is dealing with all the pain

Dreams come true with time
Waiting life out
Sitting
Trying to think of a rhyme
My life’s work is never done
My dream has just begun
Like the sun rise at dawn
I stop to weigh my life
So cold
I’m a writer, a lover a poet
How bold
My life is harder now
Than when I was young
I was the only son
My dreams will happen if only I wish long enough
I will get all my passions
I will find a lover too
Who will say
“Dreams come true”

Sleeping wind speaks it softly breaths
The coldness of winter’s breath
Whispering sweet sounds
The coming of spring
A transformation to life from death
Breathing softly
The winter’s breeze
Coldly kissing my cheeks
The cold snow gently cresses
As it romantically speaks
It tells of warmth
The smoldering fire
The cabin that awaits ahead
It tells of love
The sweet rhythmic breathe
Of lovers lying in bed

My heart aches
A single tear drips from my eye
I hear her loving voice
that makes me want to cry
I shall not give her pleasure
So she can watch my sulking pain
I walk out into the darkness
The cold and silent rain
My heart beat stops again
For her beauty it skips a beat
I can’t raise myself from falling
Falling at her feet
The love she feels is shallow
The love I feel is deep
She is in my waking dreams
She haunts me in my sleep
My heart aches
A single tear drips from my eye
I hear her words once more
As she says goodbye

Wet as the morning dew
It makes me angry when it rains,
Because I am stuck inside
With nothing better to do
I do not like the windy storm to have the wettest chill
Power lines falling with the rain
Having the power to kill
Grayness fills the darkening sky
Shutting out all the blue
Puddles mixed with grass and mud
Forming a pasty goo
Lightning crashes from the clouds
With the burst of a fiery gun
Windy storms come creeping in
Shutting out the sun
It is depressing to watch the rain
Dropping from the sky
Yet it is humorous
To watch the defenseless birds
As they try to fly
It is painful to stand outside
As hail crashes to the ground
Water floods the street
As the darkness turns to brown

Look inside my eyes
And you will see the darkening sky
Many girls I’ve loved
Many times I cried
I was weeping softly as I asked what for
My life became some worthless
Dirt upon the floor
Many times I cried
I can not hide the pain
Walking away
From her cutting voice
Shielded by the rain

It was a warm summer evening
And I was at my best
I lived my life complete
As she stands over me
She sees me in time of death
Deep inside her eyes
The sadness you can see
A tear drips softly down her cheek
And falls close to me
I can feel the sadness inside her heart
Her chest shutters with her breath
My life has ended in silence
As she lays
A single rose upon my chest

Sometimes I feel like crying
I’m sick of all the selfish lying
I’m sick of all the pain
My tears falling like the rain
I can’t figure out why I’m here
I won’t ever escape my fears
But I know what’s true
Shielded from their view
Why can’t they ever see
Sometimes I think it’s me
Am I wrong for not speaking out
I wish I really knew what life was all about
I’m running from the chase
Blinded by a face
All I see is death
That’s all that I have left

Will I love you tomorrow, truly love you tomorrow
How will I feel about you
Will I feel regret, remorse or maybe even sorrow
Will I love you evermore, or will I softly die
Will I loose you forever
Will you make me cry
Will I meet you face to face, and tell you how I feel
Or will I keep it a secret from you, your love never shall I steal
Will I show you all my love, while you shall show me none
Will I love you all the while, you toy with me for fun
Your happiness is bright, bright like the morning glow
You eyes are beautiful and deep, they reach deep into your soal
Every time I see your face or hear you whisper, “hi”
Those are truly the times in my life when I softly die
Oh how I long inside my heart, to run my fingers through your hair
How I want ever so much to whisper in your ear,
and tell you that I care
My love for you has grown, in my heart it has journeyed deep
Every time I close my eyes, I see your image in my sleep
I want to hug you softly, and tell you how I feel
I want you to tell me that you love me, and know that it is real
I will love you tomorrow, truly love you tomorrow
I will love you always, forever my love will last
I will love you more with every waking dawn and day how-so-ever shall it pass

In time we come and in time we’ll go
But how long the time we do not know
For time is there and it does exist
We can only guess how long it is
In time we live and in time we’ll die
Sometimes we love, sometimes we cry
Time throws no caution to who we leave behind
As far as we know were only alive in the mind
For the mind is the place that judges time
It’s the spirit and the soul that lies to rhyme
But do the sprit and the soul really exist
Or are they only in the mind on some falsified list
In time we come and in time we’ll go
But how long the time we do not know
For time is there and it does exist
We can only guess how long it is

Moods swings come
With the changing of moons
Happiness comes
Then changes at noon
My thoughts, my drams
Roll in with the tide
Thoughtless and deep like “jeckle and hyde”
Analytical, logical
Can I speak the truth
Analogy, sociology
In your mind I’m the sleuth
Any mind frame suits me
With the coming of time
It changes so quickly with the clock newly chimes
Being myself
Is what I would like to be
But the inside of my head
Is a mystery to me

When you wear jeans
so tight
I can't help but stop and stare
a sight
as beautiful as you
oh fright
I can never tell you that I care
I fear
you shall never know
or see
the feelings that I have
afraid
that if I ever tell you
all you'll do is laugh
We both have different futures
and we came from different past
all we have is friendship
how long will that friendship last
I hope it last forever
I hope our friendship grows
but what the future holds
neither of us will know
My heart will fill with sorrow
if our friendship is ever lost
when I close my eyes
I dream
one day our paths will cross

open your eyes
I'm hurting inside
you can mend me
I'm broken
you can fix me
but you refuse to
you refuse to see
I'm selfish this is about me
I can't choose who I love
I cry after you like cutting up a onion
moronic really
self masticistic glee
why do I do it
why do I have this image of you
trying with all your heart chasing after a guy
giving him his wildest fantasies
wishing it was me
tainted I am
a lepper
bestfriend spit at me as an insult
dramatic you say
changing your mind I will never do
I can't open your eyes
you will never see
the love I have for you
a love I don't even understand for myself
I must love having my heart ripped out
my heart stomped upon
shouldn't beat myself up about it
your going to loose me and all
I lost myself in obsession
I can't be with anyone else
Fucking shitty life I lead
road to nowhere
there are only two ways to fix it
neither of which I prefer
I can be with you and realize my
beautiful mirror image of you is shattered
or I can be with you and get what I want
you opening your eyes
only to find out it's to late
And hating myself for believing this is not what I wanted
Who am I, anymore
No one
invisible to you
I hate what I have done to myself
loving after you
looking at you with longing
I'm weak
and fucking stupid
wish I could be strong enough to deny you
deny you or have you on my terms
but I am not
I can't cut myself off from you
or wean myself away
I can sulk
I can't be the asshole I am making myself become
mean hateful spiteful
I don't hate you
I hate myself for loving you
And yes you have lost me
because I lost myself in this stupid worthless love
Love is worthless baggage to be discarded
Just like me

Is there a point to this obsession?
We all have one
I will not humor your desires
Anymore
You silly, and mindless little girl
You go rushing into oblivion
For what?
So he can tell you he has to go
Every time she calls
Yet you go chasing after him
Stalking at her door
You have to know the answer
Is he still with that whore?
A waste of time
This myth of yours
He was never yours to be stolen
And yet you have fantasies
Dreams to be with him
Three weeks into a relationship
And he’s lost to you
His obsession is his ex
And yours him
It’s not even worth it
You don’t even care for him
You just need someone, anyone
And you feel hurt and abandoned
By someone who is just your pity party
A rebound, to get over your lost love
And these things you do
You do to yourself
Stupid
How stupid are you?
You don’t see me
I’m invisible
Chasing after you
Holding your hand in times of crisis
For what
To be mocked
Laughed at
You say I am over dramatic, ha
I am your anchor to reality
You cast me overboard
At a whim
Well I am over this, and you
You lost me once
You have just lost me again
But if you never really knew
What you had
Then you have lost nothing
Love you, I will
Be with you, never
You’re a fucking psycho bitch
And I dare to call you a friend
I don’t even know you anymore
You’re the fool
I understand now why people avoid you
I used to think it was because they didn’t understand
To understand you
Is to grip onto the insane
With both hands
Like holding a dragons tale
Fairy dust, rainbows, and unicorns
Dreams you make up
A world of make believe that you live in
Well you know what you can do with that
Sit and spin

I wish you were standing here with me
sometimes you don't even know I exist
You know the love I hvae for you
you act like you don't even care
It pains me deep inside
but I love you all the same
You talk of other guys
and don't even know I'm there
I try to show you all my love
but you don't even care
You put me down even more
I pick myself up
I dust myself off again
but we are only friends
You'd not judge me so
if you truely cared
You'd not hurt me so
but I can't make you love me
it's not something I can control
No ring upon my finger
only pain within my heart
you tell me that you love me
only as a friend
but I love you so much more
You've hurt me so much
day after day after tomorrow
So when you wonder why
I have to act so cold
It's because you hurt me
And left me all alone
I loved you so much once
and still I love you so
But instead of growning love
your love has become shallow
So if I ever walk away
and never speak to you again
you may wonder why
it's not because I never loved you
it's because
I don't want to see
the tears falling from my eyes
but you have a hance to stop me
to claim what is already yours
You hold my heart inside your hand
This will always be my curse
you can keep it and give me all your love
Try neer to cause me pain
or give it back to me
and set me free
Then I will be gone

Writing will not tell how much
I'm missing you more each day
wishing you were here with me
and now you're so far away
I wish you would find yourself
and know the truth that's inside your heart
then we can be together
and never grow apart
I love you
Weather you believe it to be true
I love you
and even now I'm trying to prove it to you
You wont give me a second chance
to be much more than friends
you wont give me the opertunity
to start over
we need to forget our past and begin again
sometimes people make mistakes
and often you will find
they can correct those bad mistakes
it just takes a little time
if communication is open
and lines of love are true
if your love is truly pure
there's nothing we can't do
all I'm asking for
is another start
just come back to me
and mend my broken heart

I looked into your eyes
felt butter flies in the stomach
your not the only one
it doesn't mean a thing

you flirted all the time
said hi as you passed by
it might mean something but
it doesn't mean a thing

I asked you out to dinner
you took me home to mom
parent's never like me
it doesn't mean a thing

then on our second date
I got you out that dress
I told you were special
it doesn't mean a thing

friends of mine are girls
there's nothing going on
you say your not the jelous type
it doesn't mean a thing

I have bills to pay
you never helped me out
you ran off with some old fuck
it doesn't mean a thing

I slept with your friend
she tasted great
shes not the only one
it doesn't mean a thing

you came crawling back
begging me for more
you said it's true love
it doesn't mean a thing

your lazier than me
shun your responcibliites
ran away again
it doesn't mean a thing

you fucken robbed me blind
you stole all my good cd's
you said you'd be back for more
it doesn't mean a thing

now I am fucken famous
singing stupid shit
fuck anyone I want
but it doesn't mean a thing

I am so fucken stupid
Singing this damn song
When I realize she did nothing wrong
She cooked for me and cleaned after me
I promised her forever
It doesn’t mean a thing

Now she is happy
Happier than me.
I know somewhere in her heart there will always be a place for me

A desire for that person to be
The fist person you talk to in the morning
And the last one you talk to in the evening
They are on your mind all the time
You want nothing more than their happiness
And will sacrifice your own
Often trying only to please them
Sometimes a reward in itself
However when that person
Doesn’t feel the same
Then your dreams are crushed
It takes two people
It’s not always give and take
Pain comes out along the way
Sorrow and unhappiness
If you’re the only one
It truly hurts sometimes
And often we don’t realize our mistakes
But that is part of the cycle
Then endless search for the one
And if there is only one
Out of the countless millions
Then that’s why each opportunity
On the way to that one
Can go horribly wrong
The odd thing is
Even when you realize it’s to late
You still never stop feeling for them
Because it is never a selfish thing
Not self-gratification
But making ourselves weak
Vulnerable to being hurt
We think never again
But we can’t help ourselves
We have no control
There are many different types
Ultimate friendship
That’s also a sacrifice
But we don’t see the burden
And with any relationship
You have to be friends first
And always
Or it just won’t work

Why are you there taunting me?
Why do you stare at me so
Moon you dare to laugh at me, to taunt me
You are but a sign of romance, a simple thing
With all your beaming glory, you are but a refection of the sun
Yet as an imperfect reflection of the sun
You mean so much to so many
Some days you are there and some you are not
Some days you are pearing out only slightly visible
You watch as star struck lovers steal a kiss
And you laugh, as you will always be
Yet love will not
In all your imprefections your the cause
Often times, your the inspiration
You pull at the tide, and you shine brightly
You moon can be romantic, in all your glory
And as the months end and you fade into darkness
Like a wishful relationship torn to sreads
Your still there moon
Hiding, laughing, taunting
Your like an evil woodland fairy
You are the cause and the cure
For this sickness known as love
And one day moon
I swear by you
You will have no pull on me
My love will be but love
A life of all it's own
You may be there watching over me
But you will be forgotten

My brick phone is used as a tool
You won’t see one at the local high school
It's used at work, my brick phone
I can't play games or download ring tones
It looks like the radios, we used in 'Nam
Not a Christmas gift for your mom
No graphics, voice mail, or caller id
I use it at work, that's fine by me
I get charged roaming everywhere too
And sometimes my call will not go though
I can't send email or find out if Robby Gordon won
I get billed long distance, that's not fun
Sometimes I am scared to use phone, to keep in touch.
I'm very afraid, I'll get charged too much.
Friendly customer service, would be a plus
I can't express myself, but what's the fuss
I wish someone told me, I could pay much less
If only I had known about Cingular Wireless

take away all the sorrow
take away all the pain
hold me until I fall into a deep sleep
life is so long
life is so lonely
and often times unfair
it's good to be here with you
be holding you
be so near to someone that truly cares
gaze into your deep eyes
you can feel what I feel
we have the same fantasies
we have the same dreams
expressions of love beaming from you
bringing meaning to my life
something that is missing
a piece needing to be filled
a loving feeling that can only be shared with you
together
we can understand what it is to be as one

Life is a rodeo
and I like the view from the fense
rodeo riders are those out going flirty types of guys
who try to tame the wild horses who are like women who don't want to be controlled
but some days I am the clown
I get in the path of the bull
only to get laughed at
while someone else gets the glory for the ride
Corse I have developed a new theory
some days I am a jar of Vegimite
I may look like chocolate, or a darkened peanut butter
but when you dip your chip in and get to much
you will be shocked and horrified how bitter I really am

she loved her lies more than me
she lost all touch with reality
she told me off on the phone today
glassy eyed and heartless her mind was far away
I can't stand to see her hurting inside
but what can I do
her life is a blank expression telling me
"I never loved you"
I have been hurting deep inside
but I am not going to cry
I thought there could have been a future
that she could have been my wife
but she's just like her mother
from now on, I will stay away
so I don't have to watch
as she distroys her life

Keeping Secrets from you (is all I ever do)
You want to be free (not to be held by me)
You love just causes pain (not something I’ll explain)
Will you be my one nightstand?

Keeping secrets from you
Is all I ever do
Don’t even know why
Why we have to lie
Honesty is not a thing
That we can ever share
Holding you close and
Running fingers though your hair
Whispers in your ear
Never telling you I love you
Strong emotions, Bodies in need
But never more than friends

Keeping secrets from you
Is all I ever do
You love just causes pain
Not something I’ll explain

Will you be my one nightstand?
Can I take you by the hand?
Lying naked next to me
Close, as we will ever be

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
You don’t want to be held by me

You love just causes pain
Not something I’ll explain
Yours truly, not to me
Why does this have to be?
A big dilemma in my heart
You have no idea what you want
Make me hot with desire
Only you can quench the fire

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
You don’t want to be held by me

Will you be my one nightstand?
Can I take you by the hand?
Lying naked next to me
Close, as we will ever be

Your boyfriend was a jerk
Don't listen to my advise
Furthest thing from perfrect
Cheated and ruined your life

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
Not to be held by me

Love we could not express
to be much more than friends
Moved much to fast
Then came to an end

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
Not to be held by me

Someone new fell in your lap
Does everything that matters
Nothing can hold you back
Till your dreams fucken shatter

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
Not to be held by me

Beginning a relationship all over again is really hard to do.
Especially if you had someone you really loved and had to say good-bye to.
Starting all over can be a rough transition to accept.
And many times it’s a lot more difficult to take the next step.
It makes it easier to put closure to something if you know it wasn’t your fault.
If you did everything you could to keep the relationship together.
Then it’s easier to accept that relationship won’t be your last.
Often you need a lot of healing time, time where you’re alone.
Or even someone to talk to about all your problems over the phone.
Sometimes it helps if you find someone new, or just someone who will listen to you.
But when you find a new person you can really trust, that’s truly rare.
That person may put butterflies in your stomach, or add that special flare.
Often times you don’t realize how important that is to you.
And they may not know how much you care.
But only if they knew, if that person could see though our eyes.
They would know it’s more than just a crush or puppy love we just can’t hide.
Someone one that I have seen makes me weak in the knees.
She makes me feel that way, in my fantasies and dreams.
Surely I can’t express to her, because I don’t know her all that well.
Maybe we can get to know each other and be friends
And then my love will be so obvious she could tell.
Perhaps it is premature to call it love at first sight.
How can I believe in such a thing?
When I don’t believe in ghost or things that go bump in the night.
I do know that I have feelings, some I can’t express.
I have a pitter-patter of the heart, and a breathless feeling in my chest.
Feelings I have not had for anyone in a very long while.
Feelings she may not share, even
If we were the only two trapped on a deserted isle.
I will never ever know unless I try, and ask.
Then if I am lucky, and it is meant to be.
We will have a wonderful loving relationship that will truly last.

Your as sweet as an angel
And dressed like the devil
gazing at those white panties
under your skirt
love so sick it hurts
and your the only cure
you just want to be friends
my thoughts are unpure
I hope you can be happy with him
because you can never love me
the way you love him

Alive but barely so
Is there any meaning?
To this lifeless void
My existence is pointless
Perhaps once it meant something
Something to me
Something to everyone else
But now I am merely a dot in existence
Existent only in the memories
Of those who care to remember me
And of those I spend my agonizing days with
If I were to turn and walk away
I would be forgotten
Loved I am not
For the heart of mine is broken
Unjustly so
All that is left of my soul quivers
Sad cold and lonely
Another possesses the one I once loved
For better or worse
And I am but an empty shell

Would you ever kill someone? Of corse most people would say no. But the question is not something that should be taken so lightly. I killed someone. I had no choice and given the circumstances you would have done the same in my place. When I was 16 my first day of school was a harsh one. I rode to school on the bus which was something that I dreaded but that is not where my story begins. My story begins in fourth period. On the bus a boy flashed a newly acquired knife to one of his friends. If I had seen the knife perhaps I would have backed down and the whole situation would not have turned out the way that it did. Will his not so innocent blood spilled on my hands. Forth period came and on the first day of school we had a substitute teacher. We were a belligerent bunch of kids throwing papers and shooting rubber bands. One gang-banger of a boy was trying not to be involved in our immaturity. Of corse when a rogue wad of paper hit him in the face he became very involved and sense I threw the paper it was me who would catch the brunt of his hostility for society. He went to the chalkboard ever so quietly like a cat ready to pounce, and after he had filled an eraser with chalk he threw it at the back of my head. I was not pleased. As the other students instigated a fight I knew that I could not back down win or loose I would not look like a coward so I did the only right thing and stood up for myself. He must have felt weaker without all his other gang members to protect him and torment me, because he pulled out a knife. I don't remember much after that just bits and pieces really. He sliced my arm, and stabbed me in the stomach. I remember jumping over a desk and beating him with a book, and taking the knife out of his limp hand. I remember the feeling of the knife crackling though his chest as I stabbed strait for his heart. And I remember the pleasure it gave me as I did. This was not a matter of self defense, oh no but to hear everyone else tell it I was the hero. And I got away with it, and I am not proud of myself. He lived a tragic life and died a horrible death at my hands. And I have to ask myself would you have done the same in my place? Knowing that you would is the only think that keeps me sane. Because we all have a bit of evil in us. It's not remembering the events up to that point that haunt me. And the feeling of power I had over another persons life that scares me. It's over now and I can't take it back. So I must go on and bear the burden of knowing that right or wrong. I did what had to be done, and doing so allowed me to gain respect. Because the school I went to was as much like a prison as any school can be, and my punishment was a pat on the back for bravery. And I was pressured not to feel guilt.

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I'm laying on my back the world is fuzzy and I can hardly bring it into focus. Everything is still blurry. Where am I? Oh my god I think I am going to be sick. I get up and look around but this overwhelming feeling of panic sets in. I am in a room 12x5. I crouch over this metal toilet sink and bear my soul. As I throwing up blood and vomit I realize I am in a cell. Why am I here what did I do? The last think I remember me and my wife and my daughter are driving home in my car after eating dinner at a casino. What happened?
The police office comes to bring me breakfast and puts it though the crack in my door. I ask him why am I here, what did I do? And he just shakes his head and looks though the tiny window in disgust at me. I am more insistent the second time I ask, and when he tells me it starts coming back to me in blurred pieces of remembrance.

I killed them. I am in prison for the rest of my life for killing them. I went to the casino and got drunk and was driving home. No one stopped me. No one took my keys. There was no God to help me, to guide me to sear my car. I slipped past the median and hit an oncoming car. And the driver of the other car, my wife, and daughter are now dead. It's my entire fault. And now they are telling me I am going to be here for the rest of my life.

I try to eat but all I can muster to do is vomit again, and cry. I ball up and rock like I am a demented beaten autistic child. Someone help me wake me up from this nightmare. But I won't wake up because this is very real. This is my hell.