Frank Waugh

I'm laying on my back the world is fuzzy and I can hardly bring it into focus. Everything is still blurry. Where am I? Oh my god I think I am going to be sick. I get up and look around but this overwhelming feeling of panic sets in. I am in a room 12x5. I crouch over this metal toilet sink and bear my soul. As I throwing up blood and vomit I realize I am in a cell. Why am I here what did I do? The last think I remember me and my wife and my daughter are driving home in my car after eating dinner at a casino. What happened?
The police office comes to bring me breakfast and puts it though the crack in my door. I ask him why am I here, what did I do? And he just shakes his head and looks though the tiny window in disgust at me. I am more insistent the second time I ask, and when he tells me it starts coming back to me in blurred pieces of remembrance.

I killed them. I am in prison for the rest of my life for killing them. I went to the casino and got drunk and was driving home. No one stopped me. No one took my keys. There was no God to help me, to guide me to sear my car. I slipped past the median and hit an oncoming car. And the driver of the other car, my wife, and daughter are now dead. It's my entire fault. And now they are telling me I am going to be here for the rest of my life.

I try to eat but all I can muster to do is vomit again, and cry. I ball up and rock like I am a demented beaten autistic child. Someone help me wake me up from this nightmare. But I won't wake up because this is very real. This is my hell.

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Would you ever kill someone? Of corse most people would say no. But the question is not something that should be taken so lightly. I killed someone. I had no choice and given the circumstances you would have done the same in my place. When I was 16 my first day of school was a harsh one. I rode to school on the bus which was something that I dreaded but that is not where my story begins. My story begins in fourth period. On the bus a boy flashed a newly acquired knife to one of his friends. If I had seen the knife perhaps I would have backed down and the whole situation would not have turned out the way that it did. Will his not so innocent blood spilled on my hands. Forth period came and on the first day of school we had a substitute teacher. We were a belligerent bunch of kids throwing papers and shooting rubber bands. One gang-banger of a boy was trying not to be involved in our immaturity. Of corse when a rogue wad of paper hit him in the face he became very involved and sense I threw the paper it was me who would catch the brunt of his hostility for society. He went to the chalkboard ever so quietly like a cat ready to pounce, and after he had filled an eraser with chalk he threw it at the back of my head. I was not pleased. As the other students instigated a fight I knew that I could not back down win or loose I would not look like a coward so I did the only right thing and stood up for myself. He must have felt weaker without all his other gang members to protect him and torment me, because he pulled out a knife. I don't remember much after that just bits and pieces really. He sliced my arm, and stabbed me in the stomach. I remember jumping over a desk and beating him with a book, and taking the knife out of his limp hand. I remember the feeling of the knife crackling though his chest as I stabbed strait for his heart. And I remember the pleasure it gave me as I did. This was not a matter of self defense, oh no but to hear everyone else tell it I was the hero. And I got away with it, and I am not proud of myself. He lived a tragic life and died a horrible death at my hands. And I have to ask myself would you have done the same in my place? Knowing that you would is the only think that keeps me sane. Because we all have a bit of evil in us. It's not remembering the events up to that point that haunt me. And the feeling of power I had over another persons life that scares me. It's over now and I can't take it back. So I must go on and bear the burden of knowing that right or wrong. I did what had to be done, and doing so allowed me to gain respect. Because the school I went to was as much like a prison as any school can be, and my punishment was a pat on the back for bravery. And I was pressured not to feel guilt.

Alive but barely so
Is there any meaning?
To this lifeless void
My existence is pointless
Perhaps once it meant something
Something to me
Something to everyone else
But now I am merely a dot in existence
Existent only in the memories
Of those who care to remember me
And of those I spend my agonizing days with
If I were to turn and walk away
I would be forgotten
Loved I am not
For the heart of mine is broken
Unjustly so
All that is left of my soul quivers
Sad cold and lonely
Another possesses the one I once loved
For better or worse
And I am but an empty shell

Your as sweet as an angel
And dressed like the devil
gazing at those white panties
under your skirt
love so sick it hurts
and your the only cure
you just want to be friends
my thoughts are unpure
I hope you can be happy with him
because you can never love me
the way you love him

Beginning a relationship all over again is really hard to do.
Especially if you had someone you really loved and had to say good-bye to.
Starting all over can be a rough transition to accept.
And many times it’s a lot more difficult to take the next step.
It makes it easier to put closure to something if you know it wasn’t your fault.
If you did everything you could to keep the relationship together.
Then it’s easier to accept that relationship won’t be your last.
Often you need a lot of healing time, time where you’re alone.
Or even someone to talk to about all your problems over the phone.
Sometimes it helps if you find someone new, or just someone who will listen to you.
But when you find a new person you can really trust, that’s truly rare.
That person may put butterflies in your stomach, or add that special flare.
Often times you don’t realize how important that is to you.
And they may not know how much you care.
But only if they knew, if that person could see though our eyes.
They would know it’s more than just a crush or puppy love we just can’t hide.
Someone one that I have seen makes me weak in the knees.
She makes me feel that way, in my fantasies and dreams.
Surely I can’t express to her, because I don’t know her all that well.
Maybe we can get to know each other and be friends
And then my love will be so obvious she could tell.
Perhaps it is premature to call it love at first sight.
How can I believe in such a thing?
When I don’t believe in ghost or things that go bump in the night.
I do know that I have feelings, some I can’t express.
I have a pitter-patter of the heart, and a breathless feeling in my chest.
Feelings I have not had for anyone in a very long while.
Feelings she may not share, even
If we were the only two trapped on a deserted isle.
I will never ever know unless I try, and ask.
Then if I am lucky, and it is meant to be.
We will have a wonderful loving relationship that will truly last.

Your boyfriend was a jerk
Don't listen to my advise
Furthest thing from perfrect
Cheated and ruined your life

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
Not to be held by me

Love we could not express
to be much more than friends
Moved much to fast
Then came to an end

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
Not to be held by me

Someone new fell in your lap
Does everything that matters
Nothing can hold you back
Till your dreams fucken shatter

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
Not to be held by me

Keeping Secrets from you (is all I ever do)
You want to be free (not to be held by me)
You love just causes pain (not something I’ll explain)
Will you be my one nightstand?

Keeping secrets from you
Is all I ever do
Don’t even know why
Why we have to lie
Honesty is not a thing
That we can ever share
Holding you close and
Running fingers though your hair
Whispers in your ear
Never telling you I love you
Strong emotions, Bodies in need
But never more than friends

Keeping secrets from you
Is all I ever do
You love just causes pain
Not something I’ll explain

Will you be my one nightstand?
Can I take you by the hand?
Lying naked next to me
Close, as we will ever be

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
You don’t want to be held by me

You love just causes pain
Not something I’ll explain
Yours truly, not to me
Why does this have to be?
A big dilemma in my heart
You have no idea what you want
Make me hot with desire
Only you can quench the fire

You want to be free
Not to be held by me
You want to be free
You don’t want to be held by me

Will you be my one nightstand?
Can I take you by the hand?
Lying naked next to me
Close, as we will ever be

she loved her lies more than me
she lost all touch with reality
she told me off on the phone today
glassy eyed and heartless her mind was far away
I can't stand to see her hurting inside
but what can I do
her life is a blank expression telling me
"I never loved you"
I have been hurting deep inside
but I am not going to cry
I thought there could have been a future
that she could have been my wife
but she's just like her mother
from now on, I will stay away
so I don't have to watch
as she distroys her life

Life is a rodeo
and I like the view from the fense
rodeo riders are those out going flirty types of guys
who try to tame the wild horses who are like women who don't want to be controlled
but some days I am the clown
I get in the path of the bull
only to get laughed at
while someone else gets the glory for the ride
Corse I have developed a new theory
some days I am a jar of Vegimite
I may look like chocolate, or a darkened peanut butter
but when you dip your chip in and get to much
you will be shocked and horrified how bitter I really am

take away all the sorrow
take away all the pain
hold me until I fall into a deep sleep
life is so long
life is so lonely
and often times unfair
it's good to be here with you
be holding you
be so near to someone that truly cares
gaze into your deep eyes
you can feel what I feel
we have the same fantasies
we have the same dreams
expressions of love beaming from you
bringing meaning to my life
something that is missing
a piece needing to be filled
a loving feeling that can only be shared with you
together
we can understand what it is to be as one

My brick phone is used as a tool
You won’t see one at the local high school
It's used at work, my brick phone
I can't play games or download ring tones
It looks like the radios, we used in 'Nam
Not a Christmas gift for your mom
No graphics, voice mail, or caller id
I use it at work, that's fine by me
I get charged roaming everywhere too
And sometimes my call will not go though
I can't send email or find out if Robby Gordon won
I get billed long distance, that's not fun
Sometimes I am scared to use phone, to keep in touch.
I'm very afraid, I'll get charged too much.
Friendly customer service, would be a plus
I can't express myself, but what's the fuss
I wish someone told me, I could pay much less
If only I had known about Cingular Wireless

Why are you there taunting me?
Why do you stare at me so
Moon you dare to laugh at me, to taunt me
You are but a sign of romance, a simple thing
With all your beaming glory, you are but a refection of the sun
Yet as an imperfect reflection of the sun
You mean so much to so many
Some days you are there and some you are not
Some days you are pearing out only slightly visible
You watch as star struck lovers steal a kiss
And you laugh, as you will always be
Yet love will not
In all your imprefections your the cause
Often times, your the inspiration
You pull at the tide, and you shine brightly
You moon can be romantic, in all your glory
And as the months end and you fade into darkness
Like a wishful relationship torn to sreads
Your still there moon
Hiding, laughing, taunting
Your like an evil woodland fairy
You are the cause and the cure
For this sickness known as love
And one day moon
I swear by you
You will have no pull on me
My love will be but love
A life of all it's own
You may be there watching over me
But you will be forgotten

A desire for that person to be
The fist person you talk to in the morning
And the last one you talk to in the evening
They are on your mind all the time
You want nothing more than their happiness
And will sacrifice your own
Often trying only to please them
Sometimes a reward in itself
However when that person
Doesn’t feel the same
Then your dreams are crushed
It takes two people
It’s not always give and take
Pain comes out along the way
Sorrow and unhappiness
If you’re the only one
It truly hurts sometimes
And often we don’t realize our mistakes
But that is part of the cycle
Then endless search for the one
And if there is only one
Out of the countless millions
Then that’s why each opportunity
On the way to that one
Can go horribly wrong
The odd thing is
Even when you realize it’s to late
You still never stop feeling for them
Because it is never a selfish thing
Not self-gratification
But making ourselves weak
Vulnerable to being hurt
We think never again
But we can’t help ourselves
We have no control
There are many different types
Ultimate friendship
That’s also a sacrifice
But we don’t see the burden
And with any relationship
You have to be friends first
And always
Or it just won’t work